Dashboard: A Marching Band for the End of the World

Lauren Nixon-Matney • May 26, 2025
Dashboard: A Marching Band for the End of the World

Modest Mouse: Dashboard

Pixel art scene of a teenage rock band performing on a civic center stage with floating music notes, capturing youthful energy, sound and emotional release, part of the Searching for Stars universe.

The floor shakes with every drumbeat. The bass thumps deep in my chest. The guitar wails like it’s pulling all the weight out of my body. I feel it before I even really hear it music wrapping around me, lifting me up, turning all the noise in my head into something that finally makes sense.


This isn’t just any concert. This is Pack Rat 7.


Clint’s on drums, hammering out every beat like the music won’t move without him. Ricky’s gripping his guitar, leaning into the mic, his voice rising above the noise. Daniel’s bass hums underneath it all, grounding the sound, pulling it together.


Pack Rat 7 wasn’t just a band they were my friends.

The ones who gave me a place to belong when I didn’t feel like I had one.

The ones who made music feel like more than just sound it was a place, a refuge, a reason to keep going.


I was sixteen or seventeen when I named it. Searching for Stars.


I wasn’t sure what it would be yet—a band name, a book, a phrase I scribbled in the margins of my notebooks. I just knew it meant something.


Because that was what I was always doing.


Searching for something beyond the wreckage.

Searching for hope, for meaning, for beauty in disaster.


And so, it stuck. A phrase that felt like a promise to myself, to the universe, to anyone else who might need it someday.


Years later, when I first heard Dashboard, I wasn’t at a Pack Rat 7 show.


I wasn’t at a show at all.


But the moment it hit—the pounding drums, the frantic bassline, the brass section blaring like a siren it pulled me straight back. Back to those nights, those living rooms, those concerts where everything felt alive and possible.


“Well, it would’ve been, could’ve been worse than you would ever know…”


I don’t think I realized it at first, but the energy of this song—the chaos, the resilience, the motion it felt exactly like those nights at Pack Rat 7 shows. Like those moments when everything was loud and fast and it felt like nothing could touch us.


Modest Mouse isn’t about clean narratives or clear resolutions.

They write in movement, in disorder, in the strange poetry of things falling apart but still pushing forward.


Dashboard is a song about driving through the disaster.

About looking around at the wreckage and deciding to find something beautiful in it anyway.


Isaac Brock sings it like a half-truth, like a joke the universe keeps telling.

The world may be breaking apart, but the music keeps playing.

The horns swell, the drums push forward, and somehow, everything feels a little less impossible.


I’ve always chosen to see the beauty in disaster.

Maybe because I’ve had to.

Maybe because it’s the only way I know how to keep going.


The road has never been smooth, but it’s always been mine.


I used to fall asleep on Clint’s couch during band practice.


It drove Ricky insane.


“How the hell do you sleep through this?” he’d ask, while Clint hammered out another beat, filling every corner of the living room with noise.


But it wasn’t just sleep—it was safety.


I felt safer on that couch, in that house, surrounded by the chaos of music, than I ever did at home.

The amps buzzed, the drums pounded, the guitars ripped through the space around me—but I could finally rest.

Because I wasn’t alone.

Because the noise wasn’t something to fear.


Somewhere between all those nights the concerts, the practices, the late-night drives, the songs on repeat I learned something.


That life is messy.

That it breaks and bends and falls apart.

That sometimes you don’t know where you’re going next.


But motion is still motion.


Dashboard reminds me of something I had already lived long before I ever heard it.


The way it crashes forward, never looking back, never slowing down—it sounds like being eighteen and thrown into adulthood before I was ready.

It sounds like having no idea where I was going, but knowing I had to keep moving anyway.


Like graduating high school with no real plan.

Like searching for stability in the chaos.

Like Searching for Stars before I even had a name for it.


And maybe that’s what I’ve always done.

Searched for light inside the wreckage.

Looked for beauty in disaster.


Because what else is there to do?


Some things, you see coming.

Others hit before you realize what’s happening.


I learned that the hard way.


I don’t think about it often, but some days, I do.

The way time blurred in the weeks after my body weak, my mind caught between survival and grief.


I barely recognized myself.


I wasn’t sure how to feel like me again after something like that.


The doctors told me I had gotten there just in time.

A few minutes later, and maybe I wouldn’t have.


And then one day, Jamie and I were in the car, driving like we always were.


The window down.

My arm stretched out, fingers moving against the wind.


The song was playing.


“Well, it would’ve been, could’ve been worse than you would ever know…”


And for the first time in months, I let myself feel it.


The weight of everything.

The rush of the air.

The simple, undeniable truth.


I was still here.


I never knew what was ahead.

I still don’t.


But I know this...


The dashboard is melting.

The road is uncertain.

The wheels are still turning.


The songs change. The people shift. But the music remains. And in the end, it’s always been the sound that carries me forward.

RESUME THE RHYTHM:

DRIFT THROUGH A CONSTELLATION OF MEMORY

Searching For Stars

By Lauren Nixon-Matney July 5, 2026
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By Lauren Nixon-Matney July 5, 2026
My favorite literary phrase of all time is spoken by Josephine March, written by Louisa May Alcott in Little Women. “I like good, strong words that mean something.” You, my dear, you say good, strong words that mean something. You put good, strong words that mean something into the world, and I thank you so very sincerely for that. You have made such an incredible impact on my life, and on my outlook on beauty and aging. ⸻ I stumbled across your incredible fashion sense on Instagram and was completely hooked on your vibe. I absolutely love fashion. I always have. I’ve definitely had my own kind of zany style over the years. So when I saw you, I was like, OK, yes, she is amazing. I love this energy. ⸻ The way you put things together, the confidence, the energy, it makes you wanna get up, go into your closet, and actually enjoy getting dressed again. And for a woman approaching 40, who’s had three children and has had many of her own struggles with who am I, what’s my fashion, what’s my energy, or what’s my style, You just felt so damn refreshing and inspiring. So I hung around, but what really hooked me wasn’t just the style, it was you, the essence of you. The way you talk, the honesty, the fact that you just say things straight, no fluff, no sugarcoating, no trying to be anything other than exactly who you are.. and somehow that makes everything you say sound even more profound. ⸻ The impact your message was having in my life became undeniable. It wasn’t just something I watched for enjoyment anymore, it was something I actually began feeling, and carrying with me. I grew up in a time where it felt like there was an expiration date on women. Like if you didn’t fit into a certain mold, or size, or type… your worth somehow became less. And then life happens. You grow up. You age. Maybe have kids. Your body changes. Your priorities change. Somewhere in the middle of all of that, you can kind of lose your sense of… who am I now? What’s my style? Who am I supposed to become? Am I too late for something? What even feels like me anymore? So for a while, I think I actually bought into that idea without even realizing it. The idiodic notion that maybe I had passed some invisible point where things were supposed to quiet down. Tone down. Fit into something more “acceptable.” Or the grand illusion that I was out of time to follow my passions! But watching you… that narrative just started to fall apart. The way you show up, the way you speak, the way you move through the world so fully as yourself… it made me realize that aging isn’t something to fear or shrink from. If anything, it’s where things start to get really good. It’s where you get bolder. More comfortable. More you. More beautiful. ⸻ What you’re doing matters so much. The way you show up, the way you speak, the way you fully own who you are, it doesn’t just stay on a screen. It carries through pixelated waves. It reaches people like me, in real life, in real moments, and shifts something quietly but powerfully within us. So I just wanted to say thank you. For your honesty, your energy, your style, your voice… all of it. You have inspired me, Searching for Stars, and undoubtedly countless women all over the world more than words can truly translate. Thank you, for being you!
By Lauren Nixon-Matney May 6, 2026
Okay, so I asked God for a sign this week… and I didn’t make it easy on Him. I had just seen this video about asking for a sign, about how God answers, about how He delights in it… and something in me just… recognized that. Like, oh. I’ve felt that before. Lindsey, it was your video. And the second I heard it, I remembered something. I remembered a time, years ago, back in that early, foggy, pinkless season of motherhood, when I had asked for a sign too. I had prayed, really specifically… really honestly… “God, just show me I’m okay. Show me I’m on the right path.” And I asked for a blue butterfly. I didn’t see it right away. I waited. I wondered if I had imagined the whole idea in the first place. And then, not long after, life moved us somewhere new. A new place, new energy… the kind of move that feels exciting and terrifying all at once. They handed us the keys… and right there on them… was a blue butterfly. And I remember feeling that same quiet recognition. Like… okay. And then, a couple months after that, with prayers inside us building for a second child, we went to a park. One of those ordinary days that turns into something you don’t forget. And there were butterflies everywhere. Hundreds of them. Yellow, filling the air, lifting all at once like something out of a dream. And right in the middle of it… one blue butterfly. I just stood there, overwhelmed, because I knew. I knew I had been heard. Nearly one year to the day later, our second child was born. And then… life kept moving. Time passed. Things got busy. Full. Loud. Beautiful… but a little hazy, too. Somewhere along the way, I think I stopped asking like that. Fast forward. I’m sitting with my kids on New Year’s Eve, going into 2025, talking about goals and dreams. The kind of things you say out loud but don’t always fully claim. “I’ve always wanted to write.” And my daughter, so sure, so certain, just looked at me and said, “Then make it your New Year’s resolution.” And something about the way she said it… she didn’t question it. she didn’t overthink it. She just… believed it was possible. So I did. I started building something I’ve carried in pieces since I was in high school. Old notebooks, scattered thoughts, songs, memories… things I’ve never really known how to explain out loud. And for the first time, it felt like someone actually got it. So I got to work. Writing with a baby asleep on my chest… voice notes, typed drafts, music playing in the background… piecing together old memories with new ones. And I love it. I really do. But if I’m being honest… I started to wonder. Is this meaningful? Is this worth the time? Is this something good… or just something I want? And more than anything… I wanted to know if it was something God saw as good. Not just something that looked meaningful… but something that was. So I sat down, quietly, and I prayed. And I said, “God, if this is something I’m supposed to keep building… if I’m on the right path… if this is your will for me… please just show me. Give me a sign.” And I paused… because I knew I couldn’t ask for something easy. I had asked for butterflies before and blue jays have been unusually common in our backyard lately. I needed something specific. Something I wouldn’t just brush off. I looked over… and saw this little pink and white poodle sitting on my daughter’s shelf. And I laughed a little and said, “Okay God… show me a poodle.” almost sarcastically thinking… well, this one’s going to take a little more effort. But of course… Not even 48 hours later, we ran into Burlington. We were just there to grab socks and shoes for my toddler, her sandals were bothering her. Quick in, quick out. We ended up wandering a little. We’re headed to checkout… and my husband steps down an aisle, picks something up, and goes, “Okay, I know this is ridiculous… but we need this for the office.” And he had no idea. Nothing about my prayer. Nothing about the poodle. I’m barely paying attention yet. And then he turns it around. It’s a painting. Of a poodle. Not just a poodle… a poodle in a full business suit… sitting at a desk… reading a newspaper. I just… stopped. A business professional poodle, for the office we’re building together, a space where I can write. Like everything in me went quiet for a second. Because of all the things in the world I could have asked for… of all the ways that prayer could have been answered… it was that. I remember thinking, smiling, fighting back tears of joy… of course it is. Because I had asked for something specific. And apparently… He has a sense of humor. Also, just to make sure I didn’t miss it… because let’s be real, God definitely knows how to show out… the very next place we went… was Petco. And there was this real poodle. Then again. And again. Every aisle I turned… I kept running into it. And that feeling came back. The same one from before. Quiet. Certain. seen. beloved. Lindsey… Thank you so much, you reminded me to ask. You reminded me that God doesn’t just hear us… He answers. Not always in big, overwhelming ways… but in ways we’ll recognize. In ways that feel personal. Specific. Sometimes even funny… like they were meant just for us. And Lindsey… I just want you to know how much I appreciate all of what you’re doing. Your energy, your humor, the way you show up so fully as yourself… it matters more than you probably realize. You make people laugh, you make motherhood feel seen, and you bring light into spaces that can feel heavy sometimes. But there is also so much more than that… God really radiates through you. In the way you speak, in the way you encourage, in the way you remind people to keep going and to keep believing. It’s powerful. And it’s beautiful to witness. What you’ve created with “get your pink back”… that message, that reminder… it’s reaching people. It’s lifting people. It’s giving something back to women who feel like they’ve poured everything out. And that matters. It really does. I’m so grateful I came across your video when I did. And I’m really looking forward to everything you create next… especially your writing. You’re doing something good here. Keep going. Please never stop casting your light into the world… it really does break through the darkness.
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