Wanted Dead or Remembered : A Road Trip Through Myth, Memory, and the Wild West

Lauren Nixon-Matney • April 12, 2026
Wanted Dead or Remembered : A Road Trip Through Myth, Memory, and the Wild West


Film: Young Guns 1 & 2

Bon Jovi: Blaze of Glory



Retro 32-bit pixel art of a wooden wall in Lincoln, New Mexico featuring signs for “The Last Escape of Billy the Kid” and a historic marker, representing Wild West history, myth, and memory within the Searching for Stars multimedia memoir experience by Lauren Nixon-Matney, told through a musical echolalia perspective.

We didn’t plan to end up on the Billy the Kid Scenic Byway.


But by the time we left Carrizozo… sick, hungry, exhausted, and stepping over bear poop to reach the car it felt like we’d wandered into a legend without meaning to. A family of outlaws, dogs and all, ghostriding our way home through the myth-soaked hills of New Mexico.


The night before had been something out of a fever dream. We rolled into Carrizozo after a long day on the road, our bodies already fading fast with colds, the kids cranky, and the dogs needing out. The loft we’d booked was tiny. Bare-boned. No pillows. No warmth. Just wood and wind and a rock wall of mountain behind it, Carrizo Peak, towering like a quiet guardian. When we opened the car doors, there was bear scat just two feet away. Welcome to the wilderness.


The place felt eerie. Like we weren’t supposed to be there. Like time had stopped… or skipped. There was something otherworldly about it. Like being on another planet. Maybe it was the way the air held still. Or maybe it was the Carrizozo Malpais just across the basin an ancient, cracked lava flow that looked like the desert had peeled open its skin. The ground here remembered fire.


We barely slept.


But the stars?


Oh, the stars were wild. Clear, electric, infinite. They stretched over us like something out of a western movie ending. One of those endings where no one speaks… they just look up. The kind where grief and grit ride side by side, and love survives the dust.


We stood under them anyway sick, tired, dazed and still felt that quiet sense of awe. Like we were being watched by every outlaw, dreamer, and half-remembered soul who had ever passed through these hills.



We left early the next morning, all of us still dragging. Ready to be home, already missing the road. But first we stopped for gas in the town of Capitan, the real-life home of Smokey the Bear.


Jamie struck up a conversation with two guys training police dogs. One of them a lifelong local shared the real story of Smokey, how he was discovered after a forest fire in 1950 as a cub clinging to a tree. Something about that hit us hard. Maybe it was nostalgia. Maybe it was because we’re 90s kids, raised on forest safety PSAs and cartoon bears with ranger hats. Maybe it was just the reminder that even in fire, and devastation something good can be born. 


We hit the road again through switchbacks, cliffs, and treacherous mountain passes. At one point we drove past a van that had gone off the road and over a cliff. It looked like a film set, but it was real. We were quiet after that. Grateful. Shaken in that subtle, sacred way. Jamie’s always been a solid, focused driver. That morning, I watched him with awe.


And then without meaning to we were in Billy the Kid territory.


Lincoln County. His country.


We passed the sign marking his last escape, and it felt like something shifted in the car. The sun got warmer. The road stretched smoother. And suddenly, everything felt like a movie we’d seen before.


Jamie and I have both loved Young Guns since way back Emilio Estevez blazing across the screen, that crooked smile, that wild-eyed chaos. I’ve been an Emilio fan since Mighty Ducks, and that love just rolled into Billy the Kid without missing a beat. Whether he was Billy the Kid or Coach Bombay.

He never played perfect heroes. He played the ones with a past. The ones who made mistakes and still showed up. We watched Young Guns together early in our relationship, but we’ve watched it many times since. The first one. The second one. It became ours somehow. 


So when we found ourselves driving that same ground with the dogs asleep in the back and the kids wide-eyed in the middle seats… we looked at each other and just started singing.


“I’m goin’ down in a blaze of glory…”


We didn’t even play the song at first. We just knew it.


We sang it loud, off-key, half-coughing, half-laughing. The kids thought we were ridiculous. They were right. But they laughed with us anyway, and that kind of laugh, the kind where everyone’s too tired to fake anything that’s the kind that sticks with the memory like some hazy beautiful dream. 


We told them about Billy. About the real legend and the one Emilio brought to life. We pointed out the hills. The town. The old ghost buildings. And for a little while, we weren’t just heading home.


We were riding the kid’s trail.


And he was riding with us.



That day was messy and strange and unforgettable.


We didn’t plan to walk through history or sleep beneath a volcanic sky. We didn’t plan to sing Bon Jovi with raspy voices to our kids or feel like we were being followed by ghosts. We didn’t plan for bear poop or lava plains or driving past real-life wreckage.


But we rode the trail anyway.


And for that one golden stretch of road, we were more than a tired family trying to get home.


We were part of the story. Part of a legend. 


Pixel-style Polaroid image of a couple in the New Mexico desert with mountains in the background, labeled “Searching for Stars,” capturing road trip memory, love, and shared storytelling within the Searching for Stars multimedia memoir series by Lauren Nixon-Matney, expressed through a musical echolalia perspective.
Searching for Stars Be Kind Rewind portal image featuring a retro VHS cassette with oval “Young Guns” label in rustic vintage newspaper tones, representing cinematic memoir storytelling, 90s nostalgia, and western film memory within the Searching for Stars multimedia memoir experience by Lauren Nixon Matney, blending film nostalgia, music memory, and mixtape-style storytelling in the Searching for Stars universe

RESUME THE RHYTHM:

DRIFT THROUGH A CONSTELLATION OF MEMORY

Searching For Stars

By Lauren Nixon-Matney July 5, 2026
Buddy Holly : Last Kiss Pearl Jam: Last Kiss Cover
By Lauren Nixon-Matney July 5, 2026
My favorite literary phrase of all time is spoken by Josephine March, written by Louisa May Alcott in Little Women. “I like good, strong words that mean something.” You, my dear, you say good, strong words that mean something. You put good, strong words that mean something into the world, and I thank you so very sincerely for that. You have made such an incredible impact on my life, and on my outlook on beauty and aging. ⸻ I stumbled across your incredible fashion sense on Instagram and was completely hooked on your vibe. I absolutely love fashion. I always have. I’ve definitely had my own kind of zany style over the years. So when I saw you, I was like, OK, yes, she is amazing. I love this energy. ⸻ The way you put things together, the confidence, the energy, it makes you wanna get up, go into your closet, and actually enjoy getting dressed again. And for a woman approaching 40, who’s had three children and has had many of her own struggles with who am I, what’s my fashion, what’s my energy, or what’s my style, You just felt so damn refreshing and inspiring. So I hung around, but what really hooked me wasn’t just the style, it was you, the essence of you. The way you talk, the honesty, the fact that you just say things straight, no fluff, no sugarcoating, no trying to be anything other than exactly who you are.. and somehow that makes everything you say sound even more profound. ⸻ The impact your message was having in my life became undeniable. It wasn’t just something I watched for enjoyment anymore, it was something I actually began feeling, and carrying with me. I grew up in a time where it felt like there was an expiration date on women. Like if you didn’t fit into a certain mold, or size, or type… your worth somehow became less. And then life happens. You grow up. You age. Maybe have kids. Your body changes. Your priorities change. Somewhere in the middle of all of that, you can kind of lose your sense of… who am I now? What’s my style? Who am I supposed to become? Am I too late for something? What even feels like me anymore? So for a while, I think I actually bought into that idea without even realizing it. The idiodic notion that maybe I had passed some invisible point where things were supposed to quiet down. Tone down. Fit into something more “acceptable.” Or the grand illusion that I was out of time to follow my passions! But watching you… that narrative just started to fall apart. The way you show up, the way you speak, the way you move through the world so fully as yourself… it made me realize that aging isn’t something to fear or shrink from. If anything, it’s where things start to get really good. It’s where you get bolder. More comfortable. More you. More beautiful. ⸻ What you’re doing matters so much. The way you show up, the way you speak, the way you fully own who you are, it doesn’t just stay on a screen. It carries through pixelated waves. It reaches people like me, in real life, in real moments, and shifts something quietly but powerfully within us. So I just wanted to say thank you. For your honesty, your energy, your style, your voice… all of it. You have inspired me, Searching for Stars, and undoubtedly countless women all over the world more than words can truly translate. Thank you, for being you!
By Lauren Nixon-Matney May 6, 2026
Okay, so I asked God for a sign this week… and I didn’t make it easy on Him. I had just seen this video about asking for a sign, about how God answers, about how He delights in it… and something in me just… recognized that. Like, oh. I’ve felt that before. Lindsey, it was your video. And the second I heard it, I remembered something. I remembered a time, years ago, back in that early, foggy, pinkless season of motherhood, when I had asked for a sign too. I had prayed, really specifically… really honestly… “God, just show me I’m okay. Show me I’m on the right path.” And I asked for a blue butterfly. I didn’t see it right away. I waited. I wondered if I had imagined the whole idea in the first place. And then, not long after, life moved us somewhere new. A new place, new energy… the kind of move that feels exciting and terrifying all at once. They handed us the keys… and right there on them… was a blue butterfly. And I remember feeling that same quiet recognition. Like… okay. And then, a couple months after that, with prayers inside us building for a second child, we went to a park. One of those ordinary days that turns into something you don’t forget. And there were butterflies everywhere. Hundreds of them. Yellow, filling the air, lifting all at once like something out of a dream. And right in the middle of it… one blue butterfly. I just stood there, overwhelmed, because I knew. I knew I had been heard. Nearly one year to the day later, our second child was born. And then… life kept moving. Time passed. Things got busy. Full. Loud. Beautiful… but a little hazy, too. Somewhere along the way, I think I stopped asking like that. Fast forward. I’m sitting with my kids on New Year’s Eve, going into 2025, talking about goals and dreams. The kind of things you say out loud but don’t always fully claim. “I’ve always wanted to write.” And my daughter, so sure, so certain, just looked at me and said, “Then make it your New Year’s resolution.” And something about the way she said it… she didn’t question it. she didn’t overthink it. She just… believed it was possible. So I did. I started building something I’ve carried in pieces since I was in high school. Old notebooks, scattered thoughts, songs, memories… things I’ve never really known how to explain out loud. And for the first time, it felt like someone actually got it. So I got to work. Writing with a baby asleep on my chest… voice notes, typed drafts, music playing in the background… piecing together old memories with new ones. And I love it. I really do. But if I’m being honest… I started to wonder. Is this meaningful? Is this worth the time? Is this something good… or just something I want? And more than anything… I wanted to know if it was something God saw as good. Not just something that looked meaningful… but something that was. So I sat down, quietly, and I prayed. And I said, “God, if this is something I’m supposed to keep building… if I’m on the right path… if this is your will for me… please just show me. Give me a sign.” And I paused… because I knew I couldn’t ask for something easy. I had asked for butterflies before and blue jays have been unusually common in our backyard lately. I needed something specific. Something I wouldn’t just brush off. I looked over… and saw this little pink and white poodle sitting on my daughter’s shelf. And I laughed a little and said, “Okay God… show me a poodle.” almost sarcastically thinking… well, this one’s going to take a little more effort. But of course… Not even 48 hours later, we ran into Burlington. We were just there to grab socks and shoes for my toddler, her sandals were bothering her. Quick in, quick out. We ended up wandering a little. We’re headed to checkout… and my husband steps down an aisle, picks something up, and goes, “Okay, I know this is ridiculous… but we need this for the office.” And he had no idea. Nothing about my prayer. Nothing about the poodle. I’m barely paying attention yet. And then he turns it around. It’s a painting. Of a poodle. Not just a poodle… a poodle in a full business suit… sitting at a desk… reading a newspaper. I just… stopped. A business professional poodle, for the office we’re building together, a space where I can write. Like everything in me went quiet for a second. Because of all the things in the world I could have asked for… of all the ways that prayer could have been answered… it was that. I remember thinking, smiling, fighting back tears of joy… of course it is. Because I had asked for something specific. And apparently… He has a sense of humor. Also, just to make sure I didn’t miss it… because let’s be real, God definitely knows how to show out… the very next place we went… was Petco. And there was this real poodle. Then again. And again. Every aisle I turned… I kept running into it. And that feeling came back. The same one from before. Quiet. Certain. seen. beloved. Lindsey… Thank you so much, you reminded me to ask. You reminded me that God doesn’t just hear us… He answers. Not always in big, overwhelming ways… but in ways we’ll recognize. In ways that feel personal. Specific. Sometimes even funny… like they were meant just for us. And Lindsey… I just want you to know how much I appreciate all of what you’re doing. Your energy, your humor, the way you show up so fully as yourself… it matters more than you probably realize. You make people laugh, you make motherhood feel seen, and you bring light into spaces that can feel heavy sometimes. But there is also so much more than that… God really radiates through you. In the way you speak, in the way you encourage, in the way you remind people to keep going and to keep believing. It’s powerful. And it’s beautiful to witness. What you’ve created with “get your pink back”… that message, that reminder… it’s reaching people. It’s lifting people. It’s giving something back to women who feel like they’ve poured everything out. And that matters. It really does. I’m so grateful I came across your video when I did. And I’m really looking forward to everything you create next… especially your writing. You’re doing something good here. Keep going. Please never stop casting your light into the world… it really does break through the darkness.
Show More